Kpopalypse roundup – new k-pop releases 5/6/2023

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Stray Kids – S-Class

There’s about two good songs, three mediocre songs and eight shit songs contained within this mixed bag of whatever. Looking forward to the days when music sounds like actual music again and not lucky dip at the fun fair. And people wonder why Fifty Fifty suddenly exploded worldwide and their bias didn’t, sticking to one solid idea all the way through a three minute pop song is underrated. Oh well, you can still vote for them or whoever the fuck else you want to in the 2023 Kpopalypse Objectification Survey which is now live so vote if you want your faves to win.

TWICE – Hare Hare

Twice’s Japanese output is pretty bland for the most part, there have been some notable exceptions but this isn’t one of them. Having said that it’s not awful or anything either and everyone at least looks great (my survey results don’t lie), but even the most diehard ONCE knows Twice can and have done better than this.

Fromis_9 – #menow

One of the better songs from the underscore group, this song comes off a bit like a rejected Twice track, but a rejected good Twice track that didn’t become a feature because JYP was out searching for every last trend to ride instead of giving them a decent song.

Jon Batiste, J.I.D, NewJeans, Cat Burns, Camilo – Be Who We Are

NewJeans do their best to hard carry some of the most awful reggae-lite I’ve ever heard but it’s nowhere near enough. It’s not their fault, literally nobody on the planet could have saved this garbage.

Taeyong – SHALALA

I guess it’s a step forward for society that music is such an inclusive scene these days that we even include people who can’t make music. Wouldn’t want anyone to have their feelings hurt, now.

BOYNEXTDOOR – Serenade

Oh look it’s another ‘street harassment uwu‘ concept. And you wonder why Korean agencies can’t produce content that isn’t considered ‘problematic’ by global audiences on a reliable basis. They still can’t wrap their heads around the idea that chasing a girl down the street and bothering the shit out of her is creepy as shit, so don’t expect a nuanced understanding of whatever culture you grew up in before 2060 at the earliest.

THE BOYZ – Delicious

That lame Autotuned squirt in the first four seconds of the song tells you everything you need to know.

Colde feat. RM – Don’t ever say love me

Don’t worry, we won’t.

Aespa – Till We Meet Again

Before I even looked at this I knew it was going to be some “for the fans” montage bullshit to tie into their “world” tour that visited about three countries. Only in Korean pop do fans eagerly allow themselves to be this routinely insulted.

NINE to SIX – Don’t Call Me

Actually this is probably the best thing anyone from DKZ has ever done. It’s tonally consistent, has a nice mood to it and just kind of rocks. That pre-chorus is a bit shit but other than that, it’s not bad at all. See, it’s not that hard, people.

Lim Kim, TETE – Romantico

This doesn’t really count for end of year list purposes because it’s actually a live set of a song from Lim Kim’s old group from over a decade ago, but it’s a nice reminder that she was involved in making actual music once. I can’t really include stuff like this because then I have to include every live song anyone performs ever and roundup would just devolve into a mess. It’s bad enough with all those “fake live” videos, which I’m already pruning. Anyway, it is what it is.

MCND – Pop Star

Wait for the idiotic tonal shift at 1:10, or just skip straight there if you want a laugh.

ENHYPEN – Bills

The usual slow, Autotuned nonsense that people back in the day would happily just leave as the album filler content that it was designed to be, but these days we have to put up with hideous “self cam” videos for this forgettable crap.

CRAVITY – Get Lifted

Enough with the “special clips”, “self cams”, “live films” etc etc… if it’s good, make it a feature. If it isn’t, don’t bore us with it. Next.

HORI7ON – Lovey Dovey

See, this song is a feature and it’s not too awful, it doesn’t deserve to be buried behind endless “self cam” and “special video” B-side crap that’s really only there to pander to the brainwashed zombie end of the fandoms and has no relevance to actual music fans. I leave out songs without music videos for a reason, but since agencies are now broadening their definition of what constitutes a music video, I’m going to have to reciprocate and broaden my definition of where the line is drawn before they can bore us to death.

DIAWINGS – Finale

…or maybe I should say “where the line is diawn”. These girls are always trying and putting in 10/10 effort even if the results don’t quite come off because someone in their team just hasn’t quite got a clue about presentation.

Choco1&2 – Fruity Loops (515 version)

Everyone who thinks everything is either “innocent”, “sexy” or whatever the co-ed version of “girl crush” is should get a load of the “sideways scrolling through a spaceship interior” concept going on here. There’s so many ideas that haven’t even been used once yet.

DUSTIN – Blacklist

I would save this for Nugu Alert for sure, but it has too many views. I’m not sure how it got those views, but some cellophane and a dream can sometimes go a long way.

Gaeko, Joohoney, BIG Naughty – Over The Mountain

I guess there’s no money in being a veteran rapper if Gaeko has to turn up on stuff like this.

B.I. feat. Big Naughty – Dare to Love

Not going to include this waste of time Dingo “live” crap when we could have some actual live music, here’s your weekly lesson in black music instead so enjoy. Fuck off with that “my bias can sing” crap, Hostilities is where “vocal talent” is really at in 2023 – watch the singer in this band scream through an entire album in 14 minutes, which is more than any one member of any k-pop group sings at any given k-pop concert once you add all their vocal lines up. No weak talk breaks or costume changes here, just straight into it, one brutal song after another. Notice how the dancefloor is empty, that’s not because there’s nobody there (you can see there’s quite a lot of people in the venue when the camera pans around far enough) but because they’re all right up against the back wall just staring in awe, which to be fair is exactly what I’d be doing if I was there – I don’t like taking my chances with the average hardcore punter’s annoying air-kicking. Anyway Hostilities are great, “Ringing” is definitely a favourite track and if you like this group as much as I do why not support them on Bandcamp?

Jeong Sewoon – You’re With Me

Back to our regularly scheduled program and here’s another “special clip” song to bore you to death.

Zhoumi feat. Eunhyuk – Mañana (Our Drama)

I once confused Zhoumi for Siwon in a post, so he’s now officially the “Chinese Siwon”. I guess he’s probably still under contract given that SM contracts these days are 7 years plus a hidden 56 year extension locked in a Swiss bank vault.

Sangyeop & Gwangil – Missing Call

No, Not Gwangil Jo, nothing to get excited about here folks. Keep scrolling.

MeloMance – A Shining Day

Someone should pay Melomance to cover Slayer’s “Reign In Blood” album, from start to finish. I’d just want to see what he’d do with it.

Yang Hee Eun & Chen – Bloom

Because CBX took legal action against SM, they’re letting him go outside and feel the rain on his face for a few hours for a change in the hope that he calms down and rethinks that lawsuit.

Lunchbox feat. Hiroto – Smile

This song left such an amazing impression that I forgot to even put words here and had to edit this text in.

Soohyun – Fading seasons

This is more just a PSA that people in U-KISS are still doing things.

Xooos – Bad At Us

It’s only when someone has really good English use that you get the full gist of how corny and generic Korean pop lyrics really are. It’s not any better or worse than the trash we English speakers usually listen to.

The Deep, Mist feat. JJANGYOU – Columbus

So little happening here musically that it’s not worth talking about, but I liked the look of it for some reason. Maybe it’s because I’m colourblind so this gaudy shit actually looks normal to me.

Mitaverse – Fluttering

Now the fucking computer avatars are doing ballads. God help us.

APNEA – Riot

Great sounds, great atmosphere, but there’s something about the song itself that doesn’t hit.

APNEA feat. E-Paksa, Noriaki – Ph.D

E-Paksa was that guy who did that insane theme tune for the film “Lies” which is also a batshit insane film full of madness. That was in the 90s, which makes this “classic rock” by Korean standards I guess.

Rothy – Diamond

I went and played Tetris while listening to this just so I could get through it. Drama video is cute though.

Flint – Epilogue

Korea must be running out of white clothes for all their pussified, millennial-whooping rock bands to wear. At least the guitar solos are good.

UnderRock 19 – Under Rock 19

Can we put them back under rock 19 and then scrub the number out so we can’t find them again thanks.

Kim Dayoung – His Hand

Christian music with the naive ‘his hand’ business, come on now. Christianity has a reputation, we know exactly where ‘his hand’ is.

Yeoro feat. Juniel – Paradise

Look, Juniel still exists and is doing stuff! Not sure who Yeoro is, some nugu I guess, and I’m sure 57 people will all chime in with “how can you not know Yeoro, aren’t you supposed to be the world’s most highly respected music critic ever, isn’t that what you claim huh” (like I’ve ever called myself anything except a cunt) after secretly looking Yeoro up themselves so they don’t look silly, I’ll call this behaviour “Nile Rodgers syndrome” from now on.

WOO – Last Greetings

As generic as it gets.

Dbo feat. Swings – Push Up

Dbo teaching classes in how to relax enough to tolerate his own shitty music, gotta give him credit for being thoughtful.

EK feat. Loopy – Acid + Like That

“They hate me / I think I know why”. Yeah, I think I do as well.

Kid Milli – Honda

I’m not sure exactly when rap music completed the transition from cool music with something to say, into shit music with nothing to say, but this song definitely was recorded after that time.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

HOW I GOT TO BE IN AESPAS MUSIC VIDEO + BEHIND THE SCENES (Story time)

Gets interesting from about 8 minutes in. The reason why they’re so funny about pictures and shit is the same reason why cults won’t let you take happy snaps inside the cult meeting either – it’s shady borderline criminal stuff. It’s not like a normal celebrity thing for people to be that way. I know a guy who compulsively takes pictures of himself with celebrities from around the world (fuck knows why but whatever floats his boat I guess), and 99% of them and their crews don’t give a single fuck about it and are totally fine with it, they’re even used to it – “Oh another guy who wants a picture, yeah sure, come here”. Just so you know.

Your Kpop idols are nothing but SATANIC PRODUCTS – Some things I noticed in BTS Wired interview.

This video isn’t true, but it’s definitely funny and worth a watch if you enjoy delusional ramblings. I wish it was true actually, because some more satanic content would probably make me like k-pop a lot more. I swear some of these groups are just one goat sacrifice away from getting on my favourites list.