It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
BTS – Take Two
Since this song is both way too dull to praise and not anywhere near notable enough to criticise in an interesting way, this is just a reminder that the 2023 Kpopalypse Objectification Survey is now live and running until the end of this month! Don’t forget to vote! BTS fans in particular should step it up and start voting because let me tell you, Wonho and those EXO and NCT boys have been absolutely destroying BTS members in the polls these last couple of years. Will 2023 be different? It’s up to you to ‘pave the way’ for your faves!
MISAMO – Marshmellow
Some random Twice girls get together for a track that couldn’t possibly be less exciting. At 1:42 the song stops so Sana (or is it Mina? They’re all so boringly beauty-standards-adhering, I can’t even tell) can set the table and I think I’d also rather be doing kitchen chores than listening to this blandness.
ATEEZ – BOUNCY (K-HOT CHILLI PEPPERS)
I was dreading a Red Hot Chilli Peppers knock-off just from the title, fortunately they didn’t sink that low and we are all grateful for this because that’s one trend k-pop doesn’t need. What we get instead is pretty generic however, but it could have been so much worse.
NCT DREAM – Broken Melodies
I hope you all enjoyed my ultra-realistic portrayal of true love between Loona’s Choerry and NCT’s Jaemin in Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves 5: The Agency Strikes Back and if you didn’t, why not play the game and enhance your life. I promise the title music doesn’t have any millennial whooping in it.
Suzy – R.U.N
Apparently this is the theme song for the new HYBE girl group where they’re going to get parents to sign deals to contractually hand over their offspring as soon as the sperm is confirmed to have fertilised the egg. “Run”, indeed.
&TEAM – Firework
It’s pretty good and it’s weird how HYBE don’t have their shit together with the boy groups more often, it’s not like they don’t have the money to throw at it.
Stray Kids – DLC
Just as big of a waste of time as that dogshit Binding Of Isaac DLC that I recently uninstalled. I’m sure the author of that game was abused as a child, it’s the only way I can explain the massive amounts of trolling and RNG unfairness in it. If only all developers were as thoughtful and kind as Kpopalypse, speaking of which don’t forget that the latest Kpopalypse computer game Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves 5: The Agency Strikes Back is out now and completely free, you could play it if you wanted.
Roy Kim – We Go High
Oh speaking of music industry exposes, molka boy is back uwu heart shape boing boing please don’t take photos of me in my sleep oppar
Stray Kids – FNF
Stray Kids’ other song this week is slightly better but boy they could sure lose the Autotune.
Alexa – Juliet
Alexa always with the outstanding visuals and barely-average songs. She would be huge if she had a better songwriting team… who am I kidding, nobody cares about actual music in k-pop, you can tell by the way k-pop fans hang around mediocre groups like flies munching at shit. Alexa would be huge if she had a better marketing team, that’s more accurate.
Ren – Ready to Move
Ren seems like a man comfortable with his sexuality, you could certainly vote for him in the 2023 Kpopalypse Objectification Survey if you wanted. Yes I’m going to keep mentioning this. Nothing to do with self-promotion (it’s not like I get a gold star if you all vote, if anything it just adds to my already-huge workload), it’s more because there’s always that one person who says after the event is all over “this was on? I missed it! Can you leave the polling open for a few more days?”, so it’s just a reminder to get your shit together.
Kang Daniel – SOS
Someone had the good sense to take Kang Daniel out to the desert and shoot him, but unfortunately he found his way back and now we have to hear his sob story about it. Go tell your therapist, I’m not being paid enough to listen to this.
Taeyong – Gwando
You’ve got to watch out for scammers when you’re down at the beach. Don’t leave your towels unattended.
LUN8 – Wild Heart
It’s been a while but the C-list boy groups actually have been copping some pretty decent songs over these past few weeks. I’m sure it won’t last but I support this movement while it’s happening.
Hi-Fi Un!corn – DoReMiFa-Soul
FNC had AOA and they completely wasted their rock concept, I don’t want to see any more boys holding instruments until we get another girl rock group from them thanks.
DKB – I Need Love
Eh.
GreatGuys – Luv Luv Luv
Okay so they may have a group name that makes you wonder whether they’ve slipped something in your drink, but the songs’s not too terrible, in that weak “gosh I wish this was a group I actually liked who have an actual producer” kind of way.
INI – Let’s Escape
Behind the scenes montage videos are so sus. You know someone sweated it out in the editing room sifting through ten hours of footage to try and stitch together the three minutes where they’re all smiling.
HashTag – Diamond
A modelling shoot is not a music video. Next.
ØXONE – Designer
I always thought the appeal of k-pop dance routines is that it was actual humans doing that stuff. Funny how they still all walk like they’ve shat their pants Scott Morrison style though, you’d think they would fix that but oh well, I guess not.
B.I. feat. Crying Nut – Beautiful Life
It’s not enough to rock, you also need a good song. This isn’t one.
Young K – Am I in Love?
I don’t even know you, dude. Dinner and a movie first, geez.
Leejean – Old School Love
How come future holographics in videos always looks really weirdly transparent and useless, like you can’t even read the screen properly because it doesn’t have enough opacity to stand out from the background? Is that some kind of future resource-saving initiative or what? You kids with your high refresh rate monitors, in the future you’ll be considered part of the problem, eco-warriors are going to break into your homes and steal your graphics cards.
Leejean – Down
I’ve got to admit the videos look great. I don’t know who this is but I’m digging the visual style even if the music is boring.
Baek Yebin – Contrail
I like it how YouTube puts in a little description of what contrails are under the video so conspiracy-theory-believing pieces of shit can read it and get a clue about life. That’s one of the better YouTube initiatives lately, I’m not sure if it makes up for them trying to send me down the alt-right grifter rabbit hole with every fucking search I do on any random topic, but gotta take the good with the bad I guess.
2Z – Like a Movie
It’s not bad but I get the feeling that the keyboard player is just literally fucking up and they didn’t have money to do another take.
Villain – Waleen
I’m not interested in some Autotuned rap crap so instead here’s your weekly lesson in black music, pay attention class. Did you know that one of the 1980s thrash metal legends was a Californian group called Hirax, featuring the high-flying vocals of Katon W. De Pena? Did you also know that Hirax are still going? Honestly, I think it’s racist to listen to R&B singers and champion them as the pinnacle of black music, imagine stereotyping black people like that when there’s the vocal talent of Hirax right there all this time, deserving of your support. All the single ladies in the moshpit, now put your hands up…
COCONA – Complicated
Not much of a song really, it’s almost too short to even comment on, I just thought the girl was cool, that’s why this is here.
CHEEZE – Blooming Today
I guess just propose in the laundromat, why not. I mean if you put too much thought into it, it’s like the setting matters more than the marriage, right? Don’t overthink it, kids.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Itzy – Kill My Doubt
Listen to this and how great it sounds, fuck yeah, this is fucking awesome. You sure as hell know that whatever song Itzy is going to put out next, 1. it won’t sound anywhere near as atmospheric and cool as this and 2. see 1. K-pop could be great, but nobody bothers, not because they can’t do it or don’t know how, but because they hate you. Yes, YOU, the audience for this shit. The reason why companies almost never take on board what you say is because you don’t matter to them, you’re considered a minor inconvenience, an unfortunate necessity to make the product viable. If these companies could sell their girls straight to advertisers and make a tidy enough profit without even bothering with the whole singing, dancing, parasocial relationship fanbase building thing, you can bet they sure as hell would.
JennieRubyJane – Bakery Tour Vlog
Look at her carefully picking away at these pastries. You know she’s on some crazy extreme ketosis diet which is like negative 5 grams of carbs and sugar per day and she’s going to spend the next 18 hours in the gym making up for this little indulgence for the camera. No wonder she struggles on stage a bit sometimes, the poor girl is exhausted just like any of us would be in her shoes. It’s tough out there for the people who are paving the way. Get to work, Jungkook… what, he’s fallen asleep again? Where are the Fifty Fifty girls? I need construction work I can rely on…
EXO – History
EXO’s fans, called EXO-L, presumably because they continue to take the L on a daily basis by continuing with the usual cyberbullying harassment behaviour that all fandoms exhibit yet EXO-L’s think they’re somehow above, proved once again this week that they are oxygen thieves by point-blank refusing to back CBX’s bid for freedom because they felt that rimming corporate asshole was more important, thus leaving the boys without grassroots support and forcing them to cave to the demands of their corrupt label. Still, you’ve got to admit it, there’s something to be said for EXO’s debut era songs. And that something is… that they really weren’t all that great. The only genuinely interesting thing about “History” is the pounding double-bass action in the chorus, which makes me think that some sort of power metal version of it would have worked pretty well (the aforementioned Hirax would do a good job actually), or would have at least been better than the soft backings they ended up going with. Everything else about the song isn’t that notable, it just kind of grooves along placidly, not being too bad but not making much of an impression either. Really folks, be warned when requesting retro reviews, because the reason why I didn’t say much about these songs the first time around was because there just wasn’t that much to say the first time around.